A for Apple. B for Bullet.

Dear mom,

I feel lonely and discontent. As I was casually standing at the bar with my boyfriend , trying to groove to the loud music, a man dressed in normal clothes approached me and shot me on my chest. Not once, but thrice. This got me wondering about the futility of life. Just because I am gay, am I not human? Why is it that people find it so difficult to accept who I am when my own family does not have a problem with my sexual orientation?

I stood still for about three minutes to take in what had happened that night. Mom, I don’t think I can survive , my heart is beating fast and I know my end is near. This incident is not only traumatic but has had a lasting impact in an extremely negative way. My knees feel weak and I can’t bear to see the mass of shattered bodies lying around me. What was the point of celebrating my birthday yesterday? Of having harboured a resentment against me just because I ate sweets even though I have diabetes? It’s amazing how you’re so concerned about me mother, too bad the world isn’t. I don’t know if this occurred because my fate was bad or because it was written in my destiny. I don’t know whether it was based on religion or another ulterior hidden motive. All I know is that now I’m gone, I will love you forever and always, for love is eternal.

Your loving son,

John

As I sit down taking a deep breath and penning down my thoughts, I wonder what humanity has come to. The recent Orlando shootings have not only created a surge of panic throughout the world but has also enraged thousands of humans. The question that has been taken into consideration is the sordid reason behind this. Omar Mateen, the 29 year old gun man did not even have a valid justification for his actions. One will never know why he committed the brutal crime. Was it something to do with his disturbed background or family, or whether he decided to vent out his frustrations on  a random day, this will never be answered.

His father, Mir Seddique had claimed that he’d been embittered when he saw two men kissing in Miami. This brings me to the most vital part of the argument. Is being gay a crime? Are you going against the will of God by loving someone of the same gender? In my defense, no you are not. We as humans, have the innate tendency to judge people too soon, to jump to conclusions even before we know them as a person, as an individual, on a more personal level. Although, homosexuals are now being accepted in most parts of the world, it is not surprising that they are still looked down upon, for reasons unknown. Let’s just say that one man’s perturbed state of mind not only injured 53 people but also killed 50.

The shooting, that went on for a three hour period in the wee hours of Sunday has left relatives of the dead in a state that can be described as worse than hell. Tanvi, a third year business student of Christ University says , “ i think what happened has a lot to do with Mateen’s psychological state of mind. He probably had an identity conflict with himself, on a daily basis. To him violence wasn’t that big a deal which is why he went ahead with his plan. The focus here is not on his religion per say, but his own character.”

What is beyond my comprehension is the fact that Mateen targeted a gay bar. Is it so hard to understand that they are humans as well, with blood flowing through their veins. They too have feelings and are concerned about their loved ones. With the advancement in today’s world, why are we so backward in our thoughts? The reason this became a huge deal is because it was a gay bar. The media would have probably marked it as a casual shooting if it had happened somewhere else, considering it happens more often than not. The media are huge hypocrites, garnering attention because it wasn’t a “normal” incident and to some extent has religion involved. I think people like us are so used to reading headlines like these that we turn insensitive- a process termed as ‘narcotisation’, wherein a heavy dosage of hard news doesn’t affect you as much as it used to before.

This brings me to the next important point. Should homosexuals be given a special kind of treatment? Or security for that matter? Given the current scenario, I strongly feel they should. What took place wasn’t only terrorism but  “Intimate terrorism.” Domestic violence is known to follow a steady pattern in which the abuser seeks to control every aspect of a victim’s life. What happened today could probably happen tomorrow as well. Shouldn’t we as responsible citizens, take a stance and stand up for what we believe in? Why are we so intimidated by the Government and the rules enforced by them? Why can’t we treat homosexuals the same way we treat our loved ones. Why do we always have to discriminate?

What I am trying to convey here is that we being good citizens should do what we can to prevent heinous crimes from occurring in the future. I am not saying we can change the mindset of each and every person around us. But the least we can do is inculcate a sense of “humanity” in them. Even if it means explaining to them time and again, why it is okay to befriend someone who’s gay,  that they are like you and me. It is all a matter of perspective here. If homosexuality is readily accepted in America,  why not in Iraq? The outlook of people needs to be changed. Stringent rules need to cease to exist. We need to change our thoughts and opinions and knock some sense into the less prudent people. We need to understand that homosexuals are people too, maybe slightly different in physical appearance but pretty much the same at heart. As John Greene says, “the world is not a wish granting factory” and things don’t always turn out the way we want it to. But we can step forward and make a difference. Let’s be the change.

Intricacies of life

I remember it hurt. Watching her lay still, with her hands clasped on the side and the rosary beads dropping to the ground in a kind of pre-determined sequence as if to say “your time is up.”

My maternal grandma has always been my favourite. She was like a second mother to me and I used to look forward to going to my hometown primarily because of her. There was something about that kind demeanour that made her so special. Everyone in the neighbourhood loved her as well. She was a chirpy,  bubbly, strong –willed woman who faced every challenge without cringing. Having lost my grandpa at a pretty young age, she raised five children all by herself. Needless to say, she was extremely independent. Grandma was an exceptionally pretty woman, she had pitch black hair which was always braided and a bespectacled face which gleamed with generosity. She was warm and passionate, always ready to help.

I vividly remember how she used to lay on the couch watching T.V, asking me to massage her legs for a toffee in return. This I would happily do because I genuinely loved her so much. I think she played a major role in moulding me into the person I am today. I suppose she liked me a lot too(she always saved the best sweets for me) as opposed to my cousins. This was probably because I only visited her once in a while but the fact that she made me her top priority for that stipulated period of time was enough to make memories that would last a lifetime.

Not to mention, grandma’s food was the best too. She was known for her fish curries and pickles that became popular throughout Mangalore. Mother always told me she wishes she could be like her and since then grandma has been my vital source of inspiration. Even though I was only  a kid back then, she encouraged me in whatever I did, urging me to do things that made me happy from the inside. She would sit with me while I worked on my homework and would also correct my mistakes. I guess some bonds in life are infallible. I think that was the nature of ours. I think even during moments of silence , we were perfectly comfortable knowing exactly what the other person was thinking. As she grew older, she spent more time lying around. I could see her suffering. She never chose to go to the doctor, for she believed in the old adage ‘what has to happen, will eventually happen.” This hit me like a thunderbolt out of the blue, I wasn’t able to comprehend the underlying meaning of the statement. I know that death is an inevitable part of the endless circle of life, but how can you be at peace when you know your days of mortality are coming to an end?

“I’m going to die soon”, she said one day. It was as though some voice inside her had told her that her time has come. In the evening, we found her lying down in her usual position, eyes shut and a wide smile spread across her face. She was in a world of her own. Of late, I have learnt how to deal with loss. This one was  really hard on me. I think everything happens for a reason and it also plays a major part in determining the course we choose to take later in life. I spent days crying in my room when she left us, but this made me a stronger person in return. My memories of her might be slightly hazy now but I know they will last a lifetime.

Heaven on earth

In my opinion Kashmir is not the heavenly place it is touted to be. The place I stand in can be rightly termed heaven on Earth. I am talking about Uttarakhand, a state that is so beautiful and picturesque that it attracts people from all around the world. I’ve had the privilege of visiting this place twice, once to scale the Kedarkantha peak and the second time to explore the Har ki Dun valley. I happened to go right after my exams and to be honest it was the best decision I’ve made so far. Words cannot really do justice to what I experienced here. It was infallible. Let me give you a description of my journey.

We arrived at our base camp Sankri, a small village known for its tea stalls and ‘baba noodles’. (otherwise known as magi) From  my balcony, I had the stunning view of the mighty Himalayas , looking as pure as ever. What captured my attention the most here was the friendly nature of the people. They were so talkative and inquisitive about what city life was like and moreover were always ready to help. As we began the trek the next day, I was both excited and a little scared. I had scaled heights before but then again you can’t help but have butterflies in your stomach when you’re on the verge of starting something new. We walked past wide expanses of coniferous forests and I was enjoying it thoroughly. It was so silent and serene, I felt like I was at peace with myself. Lord Byron rightly said, “There is a rapture in the pathless woods.” When you’re in the forest, your thoughts become more clear, you gain different perspectives and you really begin to appreciate life for the little things. Besides, I  was hiking with a group of people who were older than me and they proved to be pretty insightful as well. As we went higher, we came across plenty of streams and rivers. The water here is so fresh, it tasted divine. You feel like you’ve merged with nature. For this brief period of time, I forgot about all my worries. I was content and satisfied.  It felt good to be away from the city lights and skyscrapers for a change. The tents became my second home. We learnt how to light a fire, cook and basically survive in the wild. The mountains in the backdrop were a vital source of inspiration for us to finish the hike.

What sets the place apart from the others I have visited is the fact that it is so green, blue and white. There are no shades of inbetween. That’s precisely how clean it is. There is some kind of strange magic in the air which does not permit you to leave the place. On our way back, we passed Oshla village known for its monasteries and cute houses made of granite tiles. We spent some time interacting with the kids of the village and also played cricket with them. The place has an amazing appeal to it. Given another chance, I would definitely come back again.